Christmas 2009

Dear Alexandra,

This year marks your 3rd Christmas. I honestly can't remember what Christmas was like before you were born, all I know is that it's alot more fun and exciting with you here. Your first Christmas you were only 6.5 weeks old and really couldn't care less about all the presents and excitement. Last year at 1 year and 6.5 weeks you played with the boxes,ribbons and bows and barely looked at what was inside the pretty packages. However, this year,at 2 years and 6.5 weeks, you "get it". I ask you who is coming in so many days and you eagerly reply "SANTA CLAUS" I ask you what he's bringing and you say "PRESENTS". You have so much excitement in your eyes and voice I want to ask these questions 100 times a day. When I ask you what Santa Claus is bringing you, you insist it's PINK presents! We've watched Frosty the Snowman, Rudolph, Winnie the Pooh's Christmas and your favorite, The Grinch. We run home from work/daycare, have dinner, give you your bath, and then get into our jammies to see what fun show is on that night. These are the times I cherish the most. Hearing you laugh, pointing and Grinch and saying "Not nice GINCH", feeling sorry for Eeyore when the snow falls on his head "awwwwwwwwwwwww poor ee-or". I love you more than words can say my best girl. I'm sure there will be lot's of pink presents for you under the tree this year!

Love, Mommy

2 Years Old Today

Dear Maddie

My baby girl, Alexandra, was 2 years old yesterday. You would of been 2 years old today. We watch your videos all the time and Alexandra laughs and laughs. She points to the screen and says "awwwwwww baby funny". I cry inside for the loss your family has endured and will continue to endure. They sure do love you and miss you just like everyone who knew you either IRL or online. Happy 2nd Birthday beautiful girl. I know your having a big party in Heaven.

2 Years

Dear Alexandra,

Two years ago today, at 4:08pm, was the day that my life was made complete, the day my heart started living outside my body, the day that I realized a love that I never thought existed. It was the day that you made me a mommy. I can't believe 2 years have gone by. You've gone from being a tiny little helpless infant to a walking, talking, bundle of energy. You amaze me every single day when I hear you sing the alphabet, count to 20 in English and 10 in Italian, rock your baby to sleep while singing her a song, always remember to say please, thank you and excuse me and always always always have a smile on your face. My favorite times are first thing in the morning when I pick you up and you say "cuddle mommy's bed". We lay together and sing silly songs, talk about what we're going to do that day and almost everytime you put your tiny hands on my face and say "love you mommy".

We've had alot of change these 2 years. Daddy and Mommy decided it would be better if we lived apart. This was such a hard decision for us to make because we only want to do what is right for you. I hope it helps things when the 3 of us do things together and still have lot's of fun as a family. Mommy had surgery and had to be away from you for 4 whole days. We've been to lot's of fun places though I feel like I don't spend enough time with you. We've been through coughs, colds, step throat and 2 bladder infections. We've had nights of you snuggled into bed with me because you were under the weather with a fever and I was scared to leave you in your room alone. There are countless things I could go on and on about. All the moments you've made me laugh, cry (with joy), and stare at you in amazement.

I'm forever thankful for that day 2 years ago and I'll be forever indebted to you, my baby girl, for making my life so complete.

Happy Birthday Sweet Girl. I love you forever.

Mommy

Terrified

Since April of 2003 when I became very sick and nearly died (thank you Dr. B), was given a PICC line for 4 months, was off work for 6 months and had to use a wheelchair and then a walker and then crutches, I’ve suffered from horrible bouts of anxiety. Anxiety that some days can be so crippling I race to the emergency room sure that I’m at deaths door. I can go months with keeping it at bay but then I’ll feel it starting to creep in slowly like someone trying to ever so quietly break into a house. I have “medication” that I can slip under my tongue and it takes that “I’m about to die” feeling away but eventually the evil beast breaks its way in and leaves me a blubbering mess. I haven’t had an attack in ages. However, the last week or so I can feel that uneasiness coming back. That twinge must be a heart attack about to happen, that pain in my stomach can only mean cancer, the headache must be a brain tumour. Anxiety is a horrible, horrible disease that, unless you have experienced it, is almost hard to believe. I’ve been told to “get over it”, “take deep breaths”, “enough is enough” all the words that are the last ones you need to hear. It’s not something you can “get over” or “will” away. It’s not something ANYONE would want or hope for. I’m seriously considering going back on an anti-anxiety medication that is taken everyday. It helped before and kept things good for months. I stopped taking it in May and have had no problems until 2 weeks ago when a close friend of our family died suddenly in his sleep. The beast is coming back, I can feel it, I know it’s there lurking and it absolutely terrifies me.

Moments

This morning Alexandra woke up crying at 5am. It was pouring rain outside. I went into her room to make sure all was ok. She put her arms up to me and said “cuddle mama”. I brought her back to bed with me and we lay there until 6:30 talking to each other. I held her close while we talked about the rain and the sound it made, we talked about what she may do in daycare today and the friends she would get to play with. Sure her words aren’t always in the right order or even the right word for that matter, but I always seem to know what she is saying. We talked about taking daddy’s doggies for a walk and how the one she walks goes “to fast”. We laughed while I sang her silly songs I made up on the fly. She clapped her hands and said “good” when I was done. I wish those moments could last forever. She’ll always be my baby girl and I’ll always be her mommy. I can’t remember what my life was like before her. What I do know is how empty it truly was.

The Beauty of Speech

Alexandra has recently started talking up a storm. She'll be 2 in November and talks as though she's been talking from birth (though gets a little confused at times). Here are a few examples of recent conversations we've had.

After daycare
Me: Did you have a good day baby girl?
Her: Good Day!
Me: Did you sleep?
Her: I seep good
Me: Did you eat lunch?
Her: Yes
Me: What did you have?
Her: A pony

Getting her up in the morning
Me: Good morning!
Her: Moring!
Me: Did you sleep good?
Her: Seep good mommy! I stinky!
Me: Did you do poo poos?
Her: Ummmmmmmmmm no
Me: (I check) Your not stinky!
Her: (laughing) YOU stinky mama

From the back seat of the car playing with her new purse.
Her: Dora purse mommy!
Me: That's a beautiful new purse! Where are you going?
Her: Shopping!
Me: That's my girl!

Good Lord I love that kid!

Torn

I spent until 1 am this morning in the Emergency Room with Alexandra. She's been battling a fever the last few days which I had attributed to her 2 year molars coming in. Tempra has been keeping things under control. Until yesterday. I received the call every single working mom dreads. The daycare. It involved words like lethargic, 104.4 temperature, listless, refusing fluids and the lists go on. Needless to say I jumped from my desk, ran out the door and made it to the daycare in record time. I raced to the hospital, explained the situation when I got there and waited. When we were finally called to register her temp was "down" to 102.1 (this was at 2:30pm). They gave her Advil, put a urine bag on her for a urine sample and we waited some more. We wandered over to the gift shop and bought her a new stuffed monkey with big sad eyes that she had instantly zeroed in on, clung to and loudly proclaimed "awwwwww wuv monkey" and there went $20.00 I didn't plan on spending. TWO hours later we finally got into a "room". They took the urine bag off and sent it to the lab, the Dr. checked her ears, no infection, listened to her chest and gave her the all clear. Now we just had to wait for the lab results. FOUR HOURS, yes that is one, two, three, FOUR, hours later we finally find out that the poor baby has a severe bladder infection. What the hell? Apparently public swimming is not a good idea for my swim loving toddler and 5 days worth of penicillan should do the trick. We arrived home exhausted, irritable and down right crabby (both of us). We had some cuddle time and then it was off to bed. She woke up 3 hours later screaming as though she was being abducted by giant green hairy monsters. Nothing would sooth her and I mean N O T H I N G. Finally she started to settle down after an hour of rocking and back rubbing and went to sleep. She slept well most of the night but was still not herself this morning. She still had a fever of 101 which prompted another dose of Advil. Then I had to do what every single mother (especially those paid hourly) has to make the decision to do. I took her to daycare. I cried all the way to work. What kind of messed up world has a mother having to choose between paying rent and staying home with her sick child because the father/exhusband refuses to pay more than half of daycare. Period (yes I know the court route is an option but by God that would make life a living hell). My heart is broken, my eyes are red, I've already called the daycare 3 times to be told she "really is fine Colleen". I'm completely torn.